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you sit up and appreciate the beauty,
chaos, and mystery of this creative life
on Earth.
Of course, with the light comes the
dark. In Bali, you’ll see black-and-white
checkered cloth wrapped around
holy statues or tree trunks. These
symbolize the duality of life - dark
and light - and serve as protection
for sacred spaces. The Balinese
understand this balance deeply: you
can’t have one without the other.
Still, that outlook can be a hard one
to swallow when you begin to hear
the personal stories of women in Bali.
Let me say this: transformation is
happening here. Women are finding
their voices and changing their
circumstances - but slowly. This story
is not an attack on a culture I love
deeply. It’s an invitation to see what lies
behind the hospitality, to understand
what local women navigate, and
perhaps, to be inspired to connect
more meaningfully when you visit.
My first pembantu (household helper)
in Bali was Putu. A pembantu might
cook, clean, run errands, or care
for children. For me, they’ve always
become friends and family. Putu and
I became rocks for each other.
We laughed, cried, and shared our
lives - and through those moments, I
began to understand just how real and
painful the restrictions on Balinese
women can be.
Balinese families often live in what
are called family compounds - a large
piece of land with several buildings
where different branches of a family
live. When a woman marries, she
leaves her family compound and
moves into her husband’s.
Imagine that for a moment: you fall in
love, get married, and then move in
with your in-laws. In the West, we’ve
made comedies about that.
Sometimes there is harmony. But
often, there is pressure, control, and a
significant loss of independence. Family
tradition and cultural expectations run
deep. It’s why Western women visiting
Bali are frequently asked if they have
a husband before they’re asked how
they are. It’s not invasive by local
standards - it’s simply the norm.
When I first moved here, I found that
question frustrating and intrusive,
especially as a single woman. I was
surprised by how judged I felt. In
Balinese culture, a woman’s identity
is often measured by whether she is
married and how many children she
has.
Fast-forward to being married with
children, and new challenges emerge.
Divorce is still highly frowned upon. If
you ever meet a Balinese woman who
has left her husband, know that she is
brave beyond words.
To divorce a man in Bali often means
losing your children and being
ostracized by both families and the
community. Even when husbands
cheat, gamble, or abuse, women stay
- because to leave is to lose everything.
Putu faced that dilemma every day.
I’ll never forget the day she looked
into my eyes with tears running down
her face and told me what she was
going through. Even now, the memory
brings tears to my eyes. All she wanted
was what every woman wants: to
feel safe, seen, loved, and free. But
tradition bound her tightly. She feared
losing her youngest son. She feared
judgment. She feared exile.
There is a long way to go in terms of
women’s rights in Bali and Indonesia
as a whole. But I’ve also met women
here who are breaking free - who
speak publicly, create community
organizations, and offer healing,
advocacy, and hope. They are forces
of transformation, fighting for peace
and equity for women and children.
So when you visit Bali, take time to
connect. Ask questions. Listen. Hear
the stories. The love and smiles
you receive may heal you - but your
attention, empathy, and heart may
also help heal them.
Just know that the Balinese are masters
of grace. Conflict is avoided at all costs.
Smiles are given freely, even when
hearts are breaking. That beauty and
calm you feel while visiting? It’s real.
But it isn’t the whole story.
There are, of course, incredible men
and families here too. I’ve met them.
I see them leading change. This is not
a condemnation of Balinese culture
- but a recognition that every culture
has shadow work to do when it comes
to women’s empowerment.
What I know for certain is this:
harmony begins within. When you
find peace within yourself, life unfolds
in remarkable ways - both in the
challenges you meet and in the
opportunities you are given to rise,
serve, and transform.
So as you wander across the Island of
the Gods and notice black-and-white
cloth wrapped around a temple or
tree, remember this: light and dark
live together. And so do truth and
transformation.
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Melanie Midegs is
the Founder & Head
Consultant at the Bali
Retreat Broker – Feet in
Bali to help you create
exceptional retreats, trouble free & with
peace of mind. The brokerage helps
International Retreat Hosts with retreat
visas, venue scouting, retreat planning,
local service providers and more.